You’ve probably heard people talk about attachment style but what does it all really mean? Attachment refers to the deep emotional bonds that we form with others. In humans, our very first attachment bond is between infant and caregiver. Human infants are fragile and very dependent on their primary caregivers for survival: food, safety, shelter, love and belonging. Since humans are social beings, we require love and belonging to survive.
The way our primary caregivers respond to our emotional and physical needs in a reliable, consistent manner determines our attachment style. If our caregivers meet our needs consistently, then we tend to develop a secure attachment style. We see the world through a lens of opportunity, ourselves through a lens of agency and confidence, and others through a lens of trust and goodness. From this stance of secure attachment, anything is possible and we are safe enough to try new things and also lean on others when we need guidance. An example of secure attachment is an individual feels curious about a new sport, confident enough to sign up for the team and build friendships with teammates they can trust. This reinforces the idea that they are capable and that other people are trustworthy, and that the world has opportunities for us to partake in.
Anxious Attachment Styles
However, caregivers aren’t perfect and they can’t always meet our needs. We firmly believe that caregivers do the best they can but caregivers are human and have their own attachment, traumas, and limitations. When caregivers are inconsistent in meeting a child’s needs, the child may become anxious and clingy: they may look to others for reassurance and may not have the confidence to gain new experiences, or develop confidence in themselves. Anxiously attached individuals often fear abandonment, and worry about not being liked or “good enough”.
Avoidant Attachment Styles
The other end of the spectrum is avoidant attachment. Children with avoidant attachment styles often present as extremely independent or mature for their age. They may be rewarded for taking care of others, and not showing emotions. People with avoidant attachment styles fear deep vulnerability and intimacy. They may have limited or no experience where it was safe for them to show emotions or to trust others, so they learned to only rely on themselves. Avoidant attached individuals may “self sabotage” seemingly healthy/good relationships or float from surface level “hook up” relationships where they don’t have to be truly vulnerable.
Anxious-Avoidant or Disorganized Attachment Styles
The third attachment style is often referred to as anxious-avoidant or disorganized attachment. Children with disorganized attachment styles may have caregivers that show highly contrasting behaviours that are both inconsistent and unpredictable that the child may actually begin feeling scared for their own safety. When a child doesn't know what to expect, they can't know if their caregiver will meet their physical or emotional needs and may no longer trust their caregiver.
As adults, people with this attachment style can be extremely inconsistent in their behaviours as well and struggle with trusting others. While these adults crave the security and safety of a meaningful, intimate relationship, they also feel unworthy of love and terrified of getting hurt again and so can often present as pulling people in, only to pull away out of fear of being hurt or abandoned.
The good news: we can change and heal our attachment! Working with a supportive and knowledgeable therapist is a great place to start.
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